In 2019, my wife and I graduated from UBCO with our Bachelors in Kinesiology. Things were looking up—we were recently engaged, had promising job opportunities, and had adopted a new puppy, Nova, into our family. Nova was our little adventure dog; wherever we went, she was there, enriching our experiences and lives.
By 2021 however, I had been let go from one job, involved in a car accident and forced to watch Nova pass away in my arms. One morning, as I took Nova out to do her business, she did something unusual for her – she raced off down the hill away from me and onto the road 25m off from our place. I looked on, helpless, as a series of unfortunate events culminated in a man racing down our residential street, rushing to his job in his truck, running over our baby girl. I will never forget the image of her running over to me for support and comfort. I sat down with her, providing what little I could in her last moments to ensure she knew she was not alone. I felt I could see the question of “Why?” alongside the terror in her eyes before they lost focus.
It would be easy to blame the man for speeding, to share the fault, or to say, “I gave her a good life.” But that would be a lie, an avoidance of the truth that could only hinder my growth and detract from the value of Nova’s existence. The truth is that I, and I alone, am responsible for that tragic event. Loved ones, counselors, and others told me that such thoughts could only hurt my mental health. Instead, I feel I am now a far better person because of this outlook.
In this post, I will explain how accepting my responsibility allowed me to improve my mental, social, and physical health, rather than damaging it, as some feared it would.
Who I was
I was diagnosed with ADHD at a young age. From the start, it shaped so many aspects of my personality and behaviors—I was anxious, prone to distressing spirals of thought, impulsive, unorganized, and struggled with self-motivation. My parents went above and beyond to support me through these challenges. They invested their time, energy, and finances into specialists, therapies, and medications, hoping to help me find stability. Yet, there were two major roadblocks: I was fixated on the “unfairness” of my situation, and in denial about how my struggles affected those around me, let alone myself.
Though many observed how much better I functioned on medication, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I wasn’t “myself.” Compounding the issue, I relied on my intelligence to skate through school without putting in much effort. Even as I achieved milestones like obtaining my AMUSA by grade 10, I hadn’t developed any true level of discipline or learned how to control my focus—skills that would later prove essential to my life.
These patterns created strains in my relationships, especially with my Mum. My poor sleep habits, sporadic focus, and stubborn nature tested her patience and resilience endlessly. While I hope I wasn’t the worst kid around, I know the stress I caused weighed heavily on her. Once I moved to Canada, I began to see similar strains in my relationship with Terryn. I loved her deeply, but my behaviors—cluttering our living space, prioritizing video games over quality time, and struggling with binge drinking and eating—undermined the connection we shared. I knew these behaviors caused her distress, but felt stuck in the cycle of my behaviors. I was still playing the victim, hiding behind my ADHD as an excuse, rather than taking responsibility for it. I was lucky, some might even say I had a horseshoe up my ass, to have people in my life who loved me despite these toxic flaws.
Research backs the challenges I faced. ADHD symptoms often overlap with traits tied to conscientiousness—the ability to self-discipline, organize, and pursue goals—which are vital for personal growth. Adolescents with ADHD frequently struggle in these areas, leading to difficulties in managing tasks, maintaining focus, and regulating impulses. Recently there has been discussion on the impacts of executive functions (EF)—such as working memory, cognitive flexibility, and inhibition—on ADHD symptoms. Strengthening EF not only helps mitigate ADHD symptoms but also creates a pathway to fostering conscientiousness and improving overall self-regulation.
For me, embracing responsibility after Nova’s passing became the catalyst for change. It forced me to confront my ADHD-related struggles and work to improve my executive functions. Through introspection, structured routines, and other actionable strategies, I began to reclaim control over aspects of myself I had previously ignored. In turn, this journey has transformed not only my conscientiousness but also my mental health and outlook on life. While I can never truly resolve how I failed Nova, I can ensure I learn and grow from this failing. In this way, I hope to honor the memory of her.
My Core Values
The past few years have been far from easy. Change has come slowly, and the journey has been marked by unexpected bouts of intense distress. Early on, I was diagnosed with PTSD, an unsurprising revelation given the events I had endured. But as challenging as those moments were, they led me to reflect deeply on the values and traits I held. Through introspection, I came to realize that without addressing the flawed parts of my identity, any effort at change would be unsustainable. Staying as I was would only lead to more loss, and I couldn’t ignore the numerous articles highlighting relationship issues as a common challenge for those with ADHD. This self-awareness motivated me to reframe my priorities and commit to becoming the person I aspired to be. I focused on three core values that now guide my daily choices:
- Be a leader—not through authority, but by offering support and guidance to those around me.
- Embrace growth at every turn, striving to improve myself and the way I engage with the world.
- Be someone my parents, wife, and future children can be proud of, a person they can rely on and admire.
The Tools That Have Helped Me
As I mentioned before, progress has been slow—some days I do worse than others. But the shift in my values has made meaningful change feel more attainable over time. Gradually, I’ve become someone who cares deeply about structure, discipline, consistency, and efficiency. These traits, have made self-motivation more natural and sustainable.
While I do set S.M.A.R.T. goals (stay tuned—I’ll cover these in a future post), my focus has been on creating a process that I genuinely enjoy. As anyone who knows me will tell you, I love Fantasy novels. One of my favorite Authors, Brandon Sanderson states has a great motif in his Stormlight Archive series, “Journey before destination.” This philosophy has inspired me to craft daily rituals and habits centered on eating whole foods, waking up at a consistent time, practicing gratitude, exercising, and maintaining a cleaner living space.
Some of my favorite habits include:
- Bullet Journaling: A tool I use to track tasks, habits, quotes, daily highlights, and, most importantly, gratitude.
- Running: Most mornings, I start my day with an outdoor run, which clears my mind and sets a positive tone.
- Sharing love and presence: I make it a point to kiss my wife goodbye every morning before leaving the house.
- Healthy snacking: Fruits and vegetables have become my go-to snacks, keeping me fueled and mindful of my well-being.
Key Benefits of My Journey
As I reflect on my efforts to embrace change and responsibility, I’m proud of the positive outcomes I’ve experienced so far. Here are some of the key benefits that have truly transformed my life:
- Restful sleep: My sleep has become far more with less instances of nightmares and waking hallucinations.
- Weight loss: I’ve lost 20lbs and feel healthier overall.
- Solid income: I now have a stable and rewarding career.
- Stronger connection: My relationship with my wife feels deeper and more meaningful.
- Improved Self-Control: I no longer drink or play video games, redirecting my focus towards growth and connection.
- Improved immunity: I’ve noticed a significant reduction in how often I fall sick.
- Calmer mind: Overall, I feel far less agitated and more at peace with myself.
These changes didn’t happen overnight, but through introspection, effort, and the support of those around me, I’ve come to appreciate the progress I’ve made.
I know that many find first-hand experience more compelling than second-hand advice, but I hope my story helps others in situations similar to my own. Through this and future posts, I aim to offer insights that might save someone from learning the lessons I’ve learned in as hard a manner—or worse.
If my journey resonates with you, I encourage you to reflect on your own values and habits. What small changes could you begin making today to create a better tomorrow? Remember, transformation starts with a single step, and the journey is just as important as the destination.
If you’ve faced similar challenges or have your own strategies for growth, I’d love to hear from you. Feel free to share your story or thoughts in the comments—it’s through connection and shared experiences that we can all grow stronger together.
Wow, Sean such a personal and insightful well written article. Thank you for sharing and enlightening me on the struggles of not only yourself but others with ADHD. I think there is a strong element in our family. Well done on reflecting and accepting then making the changes to your lifestyle.
Thanks you for taking the time to read my post! I agree, though I haven’t read any hard and fast evidence for it yet, there have been quite a few articles that strongly support genetics as a major factor for ADHD. Thats one of the fun things about spectrum disorders though isnt it? They are challenging to study so good research on them is likely to be even more painstaking!